Hey Diary !
My life has to be fake at this point. Where is happiness? I’m a freshman in college, chasing a dream that’s not mine. Before you even say it. I know what you’re probably thinking.
“Why don’t you do something that makes you happy?”
Honestly, that phrase is annoying. It’s easy to ask, but hard to find an honest response when unsure of what makes you happy. I find myself wondering, where happiness indeed stems from. Does it come from me choosing to be satisfied or is it subconsciously from the things I experience in life? The times I encounter happiness are when laughter takes control and raises the vibration of my soul and in seconds, the pain sweeps me back down. As I take my last breath, shifts me into calmness, in remembrance, that happiness is always near.
“Man, if I can laugh like that daily, I know my stomach would be flat by now. A good laugh is an ab workout. Ever since the new way of laughter took over, not many are able to experience the aftermath of a good laugh consistently.”
I mean, have you noticed the way we laugh via message now? I’m not sure when it started, but it became second nature to add the word “LOL” to a text message, to not seem lifeless. It’s almost like the word lol signals the mind to read the message in a positive tone. Arguments tend to start via text because one party decided to read the message with the wrong tone and the rest was history. Therefore, to avoid petty drama, we’ve trained our minds to text or even say LOL with a straight face.
“By the way, that’s my personal theory on the new days of laughter. What do you think?”
I think I’m ready to explore life in a way I haven’t before. I want to understand…. WHO AM I? I don’t think I’ll ever truly be happy if I don’t first understand myself. Who Am I? Who am I truly without the influence of others but my own? I’m tired of having others' opinions affect what I want to do with my life. The only validation I wish to seek in this life is mine and mine alone. It is with my eyes that all things can be confirmed because the opinions of others guide me to a path I should take to either make or break my journey for my own good.
“Of course, that doesn't mean I’ll shut out the outside world. I’ll still experience it, but it’s time to explore it differently.”
Explore it in a way where I am aware of the person I am in any situation and see if I am truly being me or if I’m letting others' judgment affect my own. It’s easy to fall into what others expect out of you, without even realizing if it’s benefitting you in the long run.
“I want to eliminate all the limitations in my life that stop me from being the best version of myself.”
I want to free myself from the cage I subconsciously feel trapped in. As I watch my life fly, day by day, stomaching the fear that grows inside me. I’m afraid of what will happen to me if I continuously feel this way. I always thought I'd break out of it seconds later if I were ever put in a cage. However, to break out of a cage, you have to be aware that you’re in a cage and understand how you got in the cage, so you don’t subconsciously repeat the cycle that can put you back in the cage, you just got out of.
Honestly, when I’m not aware of the actions I’m doing, I accustom myself to the mindset of going with the flow and finding happiness through it, not within it. Therefore, it will take a while to realize “This is not right and this is not me”.
"Now that I think about it, I was trapped by fear for so long that I didn't realize it till now. I was so infatuated with the thought of being happy that I lost sight of my true feelings."
I was too busy keeping up with everyone's expectations of me that I lost sight of myself and who I was living for. Lately, I started questioning, where does happiness go? Not realizing that happiness is always near but my purpose is unclear, which makes me miss the moments when happiness appears. I got lost in the end result and didn’t appreciate the now that allows me to one day be the person I dreamt of being. I had to realize that the person I want to be is my death story and the life I am living is the story I live in which the eyes of those who see will tell others. Therefore, happiness is here but where am I?
“This is my life and I will be in control of how the story is written. I am the only person who can truly see the vision because it is my dream, my purpose, and my peace. I say yes to my purpose, but live through the chapters that help develop my story.”
Therefore, I accept that it'll take time to understand who I am, my purpose, and my source of joy but I understand that happiness is always near. The trials and tribulations that life will throw at me; I accept them and look at them as opportunities to help me fulfill my destiny. It is in the downtime, I will build my weakness and improve my strength which will help me become the best version of the person that I am. Exploding into the real me won't be easy but I must remember that life happens for me and not to me. What you ask for will always find its way to you. Just be ready for how life will decide to deliver it and that's the beauty of life.
XOXO, Explozay Stylez